Why I Hate Jennifer Hudson

The other day I woke up with one of Jennifer Hudson's 50 kabillion songs from her Weight Watcher's commercials. This was at 5:30ish a.m. Needless to say it pissed me off as I was tossing and turning trying to get my ginormous pregnant belly comfortable to have that shit stuck in my head. Don't get me wrong, if you like her music, more power to you. I don't have a problem with her making music, I can chose not to listen to it since well.......I'm more into music where guitars are the primary instrument. Anyway, back to the point of this post. I'm sick of all these people thinking they have entitlement to congratulations and shit because they lost weight. Hey, guess what, you're not supposed to be fat in the first fucking place. I'm not trying to offend anyone, if you're overweight and are OK with it then I'm not here to judge you. If you have some sort of medical condition that inhibits you maintaining a healthy weight, I feel bad for you. My thing is I am sick of people patting themselves on the back when they "finally get healthy". I don't like it being crammed down my throat anytime I watch TV. It sickens me. I don't give props to people that quick smoking crack because they shouldn't have been crackheads in the first damn place. My mother became partially paralyzed (her right leg from the knee down) in 1985. In the years that followed she became morbidly obese. I watched her go through TWO gastric bypass surgeries. She became so depressed that she stayed overweight to the point she made her leg worse because it had to bear so much weight. As well as deforming her left leg because it had to pick up most of the slack. While I felt bad for my mom watching her struggle and ultimatly end up in a wheelchair she freely admitted much of her pain and inability to walk stemmed from being obese. About three years ago she decided she had enough and changed her eating habits. Cut out soft drinks, ate fruit when she craved sweets. She actually had, I don't know, discipline. She lost 116 pounds in nine months. Not bullshitting you at all. This woman who has to use a walker to get around her house lost me when I'm not pregnant. When I told her how proud I was of her all she said was, "There's nothing to be proud of. I had no right to abuse my body with all that garbage all those years anyway." You tell em Mama, I agree 100%.

On a more serious note..........

As of today I am 27 weeks, 5 days pregnant. Last week my fabulous OB-GYN put me on bed rest since my cervix wants to be an asshole and go all soft on me. That same night I ended up in the E.R. because my daughter was kicking the piss out of me. Literally. Of course I had a pelvic to be told that my lovely cervix has thinned out even more in the 7ish hours it had been since my Dr's appointment earlier that day. Fast forward through a very long and boring New Year's weekend.......domesticating the giant is not as easy as you would think but I have to follow Dr's orders. Today my Dr says he wants to check my cervix tomorrow (the man is obsessed with my vagina) and if it's changed I will probably be hospitalized. I'm afraid for my daughter. I'm afraid of her being sick and on machines when she's born. I know premature babies are born everyday and live and grow up to be healthy children but I'm not talking about them. I'm talking about the little girl growing inside of me that I have ached to have for years. I'm talking about the miracle baby that was conceived  after the giant thought he could never have children. Years of miscarriages for me and a stillborn at 22 weeks that almost destroyed me mentally. I'm angry. I'm frustrated that my body won't play nice and there's a pretty good chance my daughter will be a NICU baby. I'm pissed off that crackheaded bitches that don't deserve a uterus much less a child have babies that end up being born on time and healthy (I never want to see ANY child suffer) and I have done everything I know and been told to do to ensure my daughter's health. I probably sound like a whiny bitch and at this point I don't care. The giant needs a break from me crying and all my fears and I'm pretty sure my friends do as well. I hope that anyone that reads this post will pray to whatever higher power they believe in and if you don't believe in anything then I hope you just send good vibes our way. Not for me, fuck me, I could give a donkey's asshole less about myself. For my innocent daughter that shouldn't have to start her life out suffering.

Things That Suck

It's been a long ass day here in pregnant hooker land. I hate shopping while pregnant. The awesome thing is I saved a little over $200 and got some cute-for-being maternity clothes since my uterus just grew 50 times larger and all my size smalls aren't comfortable anymore. And the giant a stupid ass fleece that has MP3 ear buds built in it.  Anyway, as I'm laying here wanting to sleep I started thinking about shit that sucks. Feel free to add your own things if you wish ;)

1. The giant snoring. He can't help this, I realize that. Does that mean that I don't want to punch him in the throat any less? Nope, pretty sure I would love to hit him over the head with my computer right now.

2.  No Forever Lazy in pregnancy sizes. Yes, I had a Snuggie since 2009. When I was living on the west coast and would fly back to the the east coast to visit that thing that was the best damn thing I could bring onto the plane besides my iPod. Now there's the Forever Lazy. I was so excited to this invention due to how cold I always am. Then I remembered my belly isn't exactly flat anymore. I want to be warm like everyone else with the stupid smile of a fleece bodysuit WITH a butt flap embracing me!

3.  MY STUPID ASS LOUD NEIGHBORS.  These assholes should be shot. I live in a townhouse in what was promised to me by the real estate lady to be a quiet complex. LIAR!! The jackasses to the right of me usually decide around 1a.m. that they want to fight with each other and slam doors, yell, be inconsiderate never lived in public fucktards. They literally made my bed shake making the giant and I think we were experiencing another earthquake one night when they were fighting. I hate these people and if they didn't know what my car looked like I would torture them. 

4. The giant being allergic to dogs. This. Is. The. Shittiest. Thing. Ever.  I am a dog person. I've always had dogs. Dogs are awesome. I'm an attention whore and dogs are totally ok with that. The giant doesn't understand this because well, he's allergic to dogs and has never really had that awesome bond that you can have with your dog. He tried being around a dog before and ended up in the hospital so it's not just a case of sneezing a runny nose. Which sucks because if that's all it was, his ass would be taking Claritin and I would be snuggled up with a pit bull right now. He's still snoring so the dog seems like a way better choice atm.

p.s. if you're one of those crazy ass people that think pit bulls are evil, I really don't care what you have to say, I have owned six and never had any issues with them but my dachshund tried to attack anything that moved ;)


5. Maternity coats costing $50,000,000.  I like fashion. A lot. Even though I'm usually wearing yoga pants and a hoodie with flip flops. When I'm not pregnant that is my almost everyday uniform. I don't believe being pregnant is an excuse to go out in public looking homeless or pretending like they don't make clothes that fir pregnant women. They do, and sometimes they are actually not that bad. That being said, it has turned rather OMFG it's freezing out and I couldn't avoid buying a preggers coat any longer. People are smoking crack with how much they expect me to pay for a coat that I will only wear for a few months. Anything that I have seen that remotely interested me has been the cost of two months worth of diapers. I just couldn't bring myself to pay more than $50 for said coat. Do not get me wrong, I don't mind spending a few hundred on a nice coat when I can wear it for more than ONE winter, but these assholes tried making me pay $70 for a coat that was supposed to be on sale. I just read this rant again and I sound so cheap.

I ended up going to Old Navy and getting this coat in a large and it buttoned over my belly with some room to grow. Best part? Paid $35




6. Leaving the warm south for the frigid midwest. I moved back to the south after living in the Pacific northwest for four years this past March. I had finally gotten accustomed to the unforgiving heat of my home state again when the giant got a job offer he couldn't refuse in the midwest. Where it is colder than I ever remember WA being. Where walking the 50 ft from the car to the inside of a building makes me so cold I'm pissed off and don't even want to get groceries but will spend an hour and a half in the store just so I don't have to go back out in this bullshit weather. Oh and apparently it snows and assload here. Which I don't know how to drive in and will not risk mine or other's safety pretending like I do. The locals here say the summers are pretty.  They better not be lying.

                         literally one of the beaches where I'm from. I left this glorious scene for this...........

Ode to chimichangas

It's 1:46 a.m. and yet again I am awake feeling the princess mosh around my uterus.  I love feeling my daughter kick and twirl, it's reassuring that all is still well in fetus land.  That being said, DAMNIT CHILD YOU ARE A FEW MONTHS AWAY FROM BEING BORN AND YOU ALREADY KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT!!!!  I usually fall asleep around 3:30-4 a.m. from exhaustion. Then spend half the day sleeping which isn't that bad because morning time TV sucks. I need some kind of functioning routine sometime soon.  I fear this baby will never close her sure to be beautiful eyes when it's dark out if this pregnancy is any indication of what's to come.  Completely different subject now, chicken chimichnagas are the best fucking thing ever at 12:30 a.m. until the giant wakes up and gives me a really sadistic look while I'm eating in bed laughing/reading Yeah.Good Times.  Apparently me starving in the middle of the night is a bad thing when it wakes him up. My life is so damn hard.

An Introduction

I figured since everyone but Jesus has a blog now days, I might as well jump on the bandwagon.  Maybe this will become kind of a memento for the chica in my belly.  More than likely it will be something to amuse me while I'm waiting for her arrival and then me having the attention span of a goldfish will desert it until she starts school and I'm bored again.  What makes one a house hooker you might ask?  Well, the giant (some days baby daddy, other days the love of my life) and I are not married.  Therefore he legally has no obligations to me until the tiquita is born but still spoils me rotten because I am an awesome cook and I don't let him wear dirty clothes.  Oh and maybe because he loves me.  I find paying jobs kind of boring and well, I don't like getting dressed everyday or being told what time I have to be somewhere to get money. I have to wake up @ 5:45 am to make the giant breakfast and then I get to go back to sleep as long I want as long as the house is clean and he has dinner before 6:30ish pm. Feel free to hate me.   A dear friend of mine brought up the whole being a housewife/girlfriend thing is kind of like prostitution and I decided to run with it. K, you're the best :)  Oh, and if you're going to read this blog more than once, be warned that I ramble and go off on really ridiculous tangents.  I'm also politically incorrect a lot.